Twas the night before launchmas…


Grumpy Cat: "Dashing through the.... NO"

An original poem by Amy Hoy

Twas the night before launchmas, and all through my brain
Expectations were growing, and popping champagne
The buttons all hung from the sales page with care
In hopes that cha-chinging would soon fill the air
Yes my copy was written, waiting just to be read
All needed saying had already been said
With an email queued up, and visits to track
All settled for launch day, and no going back

The next morning dawned – Yes! Now was the time!
I pressed send on my email, and harked for the chime
Load faster, load faster! I clicked in a flash
Hurry up, now, fill my inbox with cash!
But I waited and waited — oh horrors, oh no
My inbox stayed empty… how wrong could things go?
And then when I knew sales couldn’t get any flatter
I checked up on my plan to learn what was the matter:
The launch date! The product! The promise! The call
To action! To pricing! The pitch, proof and all!
From the top of my page, to the bottom, The End
“Kick ass today, pay cash today, buy it, my friend”
Yes, I had all the parts, so I really was pissed…
I’d hit every point… except maybe… my list?

I wrote them this morning, that email I sent
Why’d it fail so to move them, their money unspent?
“Am I get lost in your inbox?” I begged with a cry
“Did you know it was launch day? To show up and buy?”
No, it turns out — my stats were abysmal
Few opens, fewer clicks, of course sales were dismal
Perhaps one little memo’s too weak and too few
For people to do what you want them to do
They didn’t know launch was coming, much less today
They weren’t excited or drooling, not ready to pay

So I rolled up my sleeves, and I set a new date
(No one had noticed, so it wasn’t too late)
With a one-time promotion I designed to expire
(Cuz there’s naught like a deadline to light ’em on fire)
“Don’t miss out on it this time!”, again and again
I re-opened the doors, — sales began to roll in!
Cash money! From strangers! Yes, people were buying!
The ringing, cha-changing, just… electrifying

Just think: I almost gave up, I almost caved in
I’d have made zero sales if I’d lacked discipline
Thank science I weathered my FAIL with panache
…I laughed as I dove into my mattress of cash

Please learn from my launchmas and never forget:
When things fail you the first time, don’t get upset
Give your work an firm eyeball, release your chagrin
Just try again, SMARTER — persist til you win
Cuz fear’s just a feeling, and hope’s just a dream
To succeed must risk failure —
Just ship the damn thing!

. . . .

This poem is obviously a send-up of Twas the Night Before Christmas, which btw is really fucking long. But the launch story itself? Inspired by one of my biggest fails ever: I launched my famous class, 30×500, expecting $30-40k the first day, as I had before. Instead, I made… one sale. ONE! Instead of throwing myself on my bed for a good cry, I picked myself up, took it down, fixed my stupid launch sequence (since I’d gotten lazy) and launched it again. That time it sold out.

The basics are ALWAYS relevant and just because a launch ‘flops’ doesn’t mean your product sucks. Wanna learn more? Get my free product biz guide:

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